Estabilshing Independance - Why is My Teen Lashing Out!?
Teens Often Lash Out at the Parent Who Has Created the Safest, Most Loving Environment
As we celebrate July 4th, a holiday marking America's fight for independence, it's a fitting time to reflect on the importance of independence in our teens. Just as our nation fought to establish its autonomy, teens naturally push limits to carve out their own identities. This process, though often fraught with conflict, is a crucial part of their development.
Teens are wired to challenge authority and seek their own tribe, much like how America sought its independence from Britain. This rebellious streak can lead to friction, especially with the parent who provides a secure, unconditional love. Studies show that teens often lash out at the parent who offers the most support because they feel safe expressing their true, sometimes turbulent, selves to them (Frontiers) (Newport Academy).
During this time, it can be incredibly hard for the involved parent who faces rejection, while the less involved parent seems to receive a better version of the child. This phenomenon occurs because teens test boundaries with the parent they trust the most to love them unconditionally (Newport Academy).
Navigating this period requires patience and a shift in parenting style from dictatorial to coaching. Allowing teens to make decisions and experience natural consequences is essential for their growth. This method of supportive guidance helps them develop the tools they need to navigate the world independently (Physicians Center). Creating a safe space for them to express themselves, whether through quiet car rides, family vacations, or one-on-one dates, can help maintain a connection during these tumultuous years.
It's important for parents to remain the soft landing spot for their teens' mistakes. Emotional regulation on the part of the parent is key; reacting with calmness rather than letting emotions drive the response can prevent pushing the teen further away. This approach helps set the stage for a supportive environment where teens feel safe to return and seek advice (Newport Academy) (American Psychological Association).
Just as our nation eventually found unity and strength, parents and teens can come out stronger on the other side of these challenging years. By fostering independence while maintaining a supportive, loving environment, parents can help their teens build a solid foundation for their future.
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