Estabilshing Independance - Why is My Teen Lashing Out!?

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Estabilshing Independance - Why is My Teen Lashing Out!?

Alex Koupal • June 27, 2024

Teens Often Lash Out at the Parent Who Has Created the Safest, Most Loving Environment

As we celebrate July 4th, a holiday marking America's fight for independence, it's a fitting time to reflect on the importance of independence in our teens. Just as our nation fought to establish its autonomy, teens naturally push limits to carve out their own identities. This process, though often fraught with conflict, is a crucial part of their development.

Teens are wired to challenge authority and seek their own tribe, much like how America sought its independence from Britain. This rebellious streak can lead to friction, especially with the parent who provides a secure, unconditional love. Studies show that teens often lash out at the parent who offers the most support because they feel safe expressing their true, sometimes turbulent, selves to them (Frontiers) (Newport Academy).

During this time, it can be incredibly hard for the involved parent who faces rejection, while the less involved parent seems to receive a better version of the child. This phenomenon occurs because teens test boundaries with the parent they trust the most to love them unconditionally (Newport Academy).

Navigating this period requires patience and a shift in parenting style from dictatorial to coaching. Allowing teens to make decisions and experience natural consequences is essential for their growth. This method of supportive guidance helps them develop the tools they need to navigate the world independently (Physicians Center). Creating a safe space for them to express themselves, whether through quiet car rides, family vacations, or one-on-one dates, can help maintain a connection during these tumultuous years.

It's important for parents to remain the soft landing spot for their teens' mistakes. Emotional regulation on the part of the parent is key; reacting with calmness rather than letting emotions drive the response can prevent pushing the teen further away. This approach helps set the stage for a supportive environment where teens feel safe to return and seek advice (Newport Academy) (American Psychological Association).

Just as our nation eventually found unity and strength, parents and teens can come out stronger on the other side of these challenging years. By fostering independence while maintaining a supportive, loving environment, parents can help their teens build a solid foundation for their future.

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Tiktok, Social Media & Teens: How to guide without just saying, "Get off your phone!"

By Alex Koupal • April 9, 2025

Let’s be real: telling teens to “get off your phone!” doesn’t work. Social media is part of their world. For our teens, social media is how they connect, learn, and express themselves. So how can we help them use it wisely without sounding and being the villain? There’s a way to help them navigate social media mindfully, and no, it doesn’t involve a complete ban. 1. Start the Conversation, Not the Battle Instead of becoming the enemy and banning social media out of the blue, talk to your teen about what they’re doing on it. Is it for learning, creativity, or just entertainment? Understanding their “why” helps guide them to use it more purposefully. 2. Set Healthy Boundaries Together Instead of enforcing rules, involve your teen in setting healthy screen-time limits. It gives them ownership and responsibility over their habits. For example, “I’ll spend 30 minutes scrolling up on TikTok after school, and then I’ll switch to doing homework” can be a much better strategy than enforcing a rigid rule that feels like punishment. When your teen has a say in the boundaries, they’re more likely to stick to them. 3. Be a Role Model What adults do, Teens do! If we’re glued to our phones, constantly checking social media, it sends the message that it’s okay to get lost in the digital world. Model healthy habits, like setting phone-free times, taking social media breaks, or just being present during family time. Show them how to use social media in a balanced way by setting phone-free times and modeling healthy habits. 4. Encourage Real-Life Activities Social media is great for staying in touch, but it can never replace real-life experiences. Encourage hobbies, sports, or family time to keep them grounded. This way, they can create a well-rounded life that isn’t centered solely around the screen. Plus, those real-world experiences will give them something to post about on their feed! 5. Be Their Guide, Not Their Warden At the end of the day, we can’t control everything teens do online. But we can provide guidance, support, and resources to help them use social media in a positive and mindful way. Keep the lines of communication open and encourage them to have trusted mentors—whether it’s a teacher, coach, older cousin, or life coach—who can provide advice beyond just Mom or Dad. If you’re worried about your teen’s social media habits, let’s talk! Book a free parent support session.